Medical School

Medical school is no joke. seriously, NO JOKE! i knew it was going to be hard, but i didnt expect it to be THIS hard! its intriguing to know what i dont know and thats whats killing me! and thats how i gave up wanting to know what i dont know. they say how medical students DONT have a life and YES! i am beginning to see that but somehow, my seniors manage to survive the first year having a life and second year, still having a life! going shopping, swimming and celebrating everyone's birthday by going out for dinners IS part and parcel of having a life! 

Maybe its just me and my mindset that has yet to acclimatize to this new and unfamiliar environment. and i know. a lotta things have to be changed. 

1. DONT bother what other people think of me (i am bothered by it so much that other people's comments and opinion are living my life for me!) 

2. Learn to say NO (the fear of disappointing others will just cause me bigger disappoinments to myself, cause as a result, i have to pay the price when my exam results get released) 

3. talk less, read more

Just had anatomy card-signing (practical examination)  a few days ago. and it was BAD! like, seriously BAD! i said it was BAD not because it was conducted badly, but because i realized i havent been spending enough time with the skeleton models. i spent most of my time allocated for anatomy with Netter (name of the Anatomy atlas by the way) than with the skeleton himself! and i'm sure u can guess what happened during the card-signing. i  was dumbfounded. as predicted. Felt like i just lost a big piece of myself. and its depressing. 

Dealing with people here are one of the worst and the last i thought would be on my list. but guess i was wrong. people here arent all perfect and nice. and its difficult trying to find my ground as being in the middle of the introvert-extrovert scale, determining who my friends are and where do i fit in most is relatively DIFFICULT! and the more i mix with people who are, i wouldnt say introvert but just generally more quiet than the rest, the more i become like them. its a good thing to be sensitive to other people's thoughts and feelings but i realized that i'm overdoing it and it becomes a burden to try to keep my mouth shut. and as time progresses, i just dont like talking anymore. and hence, i know i'm skewed to the more quiet side already and that makes people who are outgoing hard to interact with me. i know that's not a good thing and i'm still trying to establish my grounds. 

Personality is a HUGE problem for me. partly cause i'm in the middle of the scale, so i can skew to the right or to the left and that makes things worse. i dont even know what is ME and what is NOT ME. what i like and what i dont like, what i can accept and what i cant accept, what i can take and what i cant. seriously, its scary. and Arvin just made things worse when he refuses to tell me what i did that made him say i cant live up to his expectations. not to mention that i never had expectations of him, and he shouldnt expect anything outta me, but since he did, i wanna know WHAT TO FIX! and not just someone coming  to me saying he/she is disappointed with me cause i didnt or couldnt  live up to expectations (i dont even know what wrong i did) 

A good friend is someone who would reprimand and correct me when i go wrong. like Eunice. she tells me when she thinks i'm acting inappropriately or when i'm not giving emphasis on something i should, and thats why i like her. and why cant Arvin do the same? i dont think seeing someone not being able to sleep, just keep thinking about things like this, especially NEAR FORMATIVES TEST! is pleasing to him. but seriously, its what i deserve to know and he should tell it to me. 

and what happens whenever there is a problem? i feel like running away. i wanna go home. i am seriously HOME_SICK! i just wanna be with my bed and my keyboard and most importantly, my family and my cat. everything familiar. going to klang certainly does not and will not help me ease anything, because everything is just as unfamiliar and foreign as here. One more week till i go back and hopefully i can hold up for another week and for my exams!

sorry for sounding so frustrated. but thats how it is waiting for the next class feeling like this is. Medicine is already a tough course with so much to study and so much details with so much to understand and apply, so i really dont need additional problems to add on to my stress. if only i can train my brain to not think of any of those things that will so GREATLY affect my concentration and my emotions. i really need to GEAR UP! and yah thats what i'll do. Strength from above. 

A prayer of faith: 

Lord i believe You will give me strength to go through this, everything that i need to do i will do it well, everything that i need to say, i will deliver it well and everything that i need to brush it off, i will do it well. thank you Lord for giving me the ability to do this. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me Phillipians 4:13 

Amen.